I wanted to share a journal entry of mine in case anyone else feels like their relationship with God has been complicated by pain and their faith is tired.
If you’re tired of the cliches and not ready to wrap your resentment in a bow, welcome.
I’ve had an extremely hard time seeing God in the last year or so and this is not the first and probably not the last time I will experience this.
Something in me hurts extra when I feel no doubt that God is there, but He is simply ignoring me.
I’ve experienced so much anger recently. For a while there, there wasn’t any space for God in my anger. I thought there wasn’t enough room for both of them. I thought it couldn’t be true that I was hurting this much and He was still simultaneously good.
I know. I know. That is so unbelievably hard to believe, and I am by no means saying I am past that point.
But I’m past the guilt. I’m past feeling bad and like I need to make my grief prettier and humbler before I can let Him be with me in it. I am past thinking that I have to shriek my anger to allow room for God.
Anger and grief are not the enemy of a relationship with God. Both can exist. As expected, I’m less angry and in less pain since realizing this.
It sounds like the basis of Christianity that we don’t have to have it all together to be accepted by Christ, but receiving that acceptance on a daily basis is a lifelong task.
So here we go.
I am welcoming Jesus into my grief.
I do not have to push Him away in my anger.
The two can coincide.
He is not uncomfortable with it.
He is not unacquainted with it.
He is not upset with me for feeling it.
He allows and encourages me to feel everything I am feeling and to let Him sit with me while I do.
Every bit of how I am feeling is welcome at the foot of the cross.
Every thing I’m feeling is known and understood by Jesus Christ.
So I will internally kick and scream and beg and ask why. And I will rest as He is with me.